


A Heart Can Be Broken, But It Still Beats On

by the_cats_pyjamas



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Depressed Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Roman is not okay, Roman is really just lashing out though, Slight Patton Negativity, Slight Virgil negativity, Suicidal Roman, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_cats_pyjamas/pseuds/the_cats_pyjamas
Summary: Roman breaks after spending so long trying to do what he thinks is right and failing. The others try and help him. Basically post-POF Roman angst, because why not?
Comments: 32
Kudos: 150





	A Heart Can Be Broken, But It Still Beats On

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt from @transformationloveb on Tumblr  
> A large part is based off of @unring-this-bell's comic on Tumblr - https://unring-this-bell.tumblr.com/post/617206429225566209/mentalbreakdownjpg-the-new-vid-left-me-with-such - so check that out as well!

Roman stumbled through the rooms of the mindscape. He felt so empty, so deflated and so broken, so desperately, painfully broken. He felt like crying, but no tears would come. He felt so useless, so helpless, so hurt. No one needed him, no one wanted him, and he wouldn’t be surprised if no one even liked him. He felt so fucked up, so goddamn useless, so pathetic. Roman turned the corner to head down the hall to his room trying to keep it together until then. Unfortunately, his room was at the very end.

He heard Remus’ chaotic cackle and it took all of his strength not to break down then and there. As if there wasn’t enough in the world to remind Roman of how pathetic he was, how horrible he was, how disgusting and unwanted he was. He could vaguely hear a voice scream ‘REMUS’ and his thoughts just got louder. If they hated Remus then he couldn’t imagine how much they hated him. Janus words echoed in his head, “If it wasn’t for the moustache, I wouldn’t know who the evil twin is.”

He heard voices coming from Virgil’s room, and he looked in as he passed. He saw Virgil and Remus sitting on the floor, bottles of nail polish spread in between them. Virgil was evidently trying to stop Remus from drinking all the nail polish, and they were both laughing. Roman felt a wave of rage flood his body, replaced quickly by the overwhelming feeling of hurt and betrayal. Painting their nails had been a small thing that only Roman and Virgil had done for the longest time now. Whenever one of them was overwhelmed they would go into one of their rooms and get out the large assortment of nail polish Virgil had stored in his room. Of course you would choose him over me, Roman thought bitterly, staring at the two sides. “Hey Ro-Ro,” Remus said cheerily, catching sight of his brother. “Wanna join us?”

Virgil turned around to face Roman, his face immediately turning into one of guilt, then concern as he took in the other sides face. “Of course you replace me with him. Why am I even surprised?” Roman fought back the tears that threatened to spill forth. “Even you prefer him to me.”

“Roman-“ Virgil began, a mixture of guilt and worry on his face. 

“I don’t want to hear it,” Roman said. He turned and ran down the hall way. He was vaguely aware of Virgil calling after him, but he didn’t care. He was all out of caring. He needed to get away, to go anywhere but here. He would do anything to make the pain, the loneliness, the brokenness go away. He barely payed any attention to his surroundings as he ran forward and opened the door to the Imagination. He stopped when he saw the state of it.

The green fields and peaceful woods were gone, replaced by brown valleys and dead trees. His kingdom had disappeared, and the sky, usually a bright, brilliant blue, was now a stormy grey. Roman recovered from the shock of how different it looked, and continued to run. He wasn’t sure where he was running to, he only knew that anywhere was better than here, where he was constantly reminded of how unwanted he was and how much everyone disliked him. He kept running until he was out of breath, until his lungs ached and his head was pounding. Even though it hurt, the pain felt so good and refreshing. 

He fell to his knees and began tearing at his prince outfit, trying to ruin as much as he could. He didn’t deserve any of this, not his signature sash that now made him sick to look at, not his once pristine white top with the gold embroidery that he had spent such time on. He felt some sort of sick satisfaction at tearing apart the outfit he had spent hours on years ago. He was so naïve back then. He had believed he was worthy of their love, that he was loved, that what he did was good enough. Roman continued to ruin his costume until he was just wearing rags, and he was just left feeling empty. He wanted to cry, to let it all out, to do anything to get rid of all the horrible things he felt, but the tears wouldn’t come. He just sat there, all alone, surrounded by fields of nothing. He shook as silent sobs racked his body, but still he didn’t cry. He was too broken, too empty to cry. 

After what felt like hours, Roman calmed down. His face was dry, his body ached and his ragged costume was in a heap on the ground in front of him. If he just stayed here, would anyone miss him? Would they even care enough to look, or would they just continue on with their day as if nothing had happened? As if Roman had never even existed? He could just imagine them sitting around the dinner table, Remus in the chair Roman usually occupied, all laughing or rolling their eyes at some bad pun Patton had made, or listening to Logan recite facts on astrology. They were probably having a grand old time without him. Probably happy too. What he would give to feel happy again, to feel anything other than this aching sadness.  
Roman stayed there for a few more minutes until he heard voices in the distance. He must be hallucinating surely. They were meant to be together having fun. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? Why did have to come back and remind him of how shit he was, how much of a burden he was to all of them. Roman wanted to run away, to make sure they never saw him again. 

But his body ached and he was so tired that he could barely stand. He felt them come towards him and stand behind him. He didn’t know exactly who was there, but he knew that he didn’t want to see them, any of them. He heard them shuffle around, and he could imagine the looks of disgust being passed between them. He could imagine what they must be thinking looking at him crouching down on the ground, wearing rags, so dirty and so pathetic. They would leave soon. They would regret coming. They would realise that they had made a mistake and that he wasn’t worth it. They would leave and forget about him. Forget about how stupid and naïve he was. He waited for the footsteps to recede, but the more he waited the more he realised that they weren’t leaving. He heard someone clearing their throat. He winced, waiting to hear what they would say. Probably how much they hated him and how he was letting down Thomas.  
“Roman,” a voice said and Roman felt a renewed wave of rage as he realised that Janus had the audacity to come and see Roman. He had expected sugar coated reasons why Roman had failed from Patton, rude comments from Virgil, hard cold facts from Logan and even something from his twin, but he had not expected Janus to try and sweet talk him the reasons why he had failed this time. He couldn’t take any more from him any longer. 

“WHAT?!” Roman yelled, standing up in a fit of anger and whirling around to face Janus. He paused when he realised that everyone was there, but quickly regained himself. “What do you want from me now?”

“Roman-“ Patton began hesitantly, but Roman was so sick of having to bend over backwards to try and do the right thing. He was so sick of being built up only to crumble again. He was so sick of feeling this way, of being treated as another pawn in Janus’ grand scheme, of being manipulated and deceived and straight up overlooked. He had sacrificed everything to do what everyone wanted him to do, he had done everything they wanted and he had been thrown in the dirt like a toy they were sick of. 

“I tried being nice, I tried to be better, I have done everything you wanted, what more could you possibly want from me?”

“I-“ Janus began, but Roman cut him off.

“I have sacrificed everything to be the person you wanted me to be, but I am never good enough.”

“Roman-“ 

“SHUT UP!!!... I mean, don’t call me that. I’m not Roman. He is the person you wanted me to be and I have killed myself trying to make you happy, all of you,” Roman’s voice was cracking and he barely paid attention to the shocked faces before him. “And I am so DONE with being treated like dirt, for doing everything you wanted, for trying to learn and to do what everyone wants me to do and then have it thrown back in my face. Do you know how much it hurts me, every time I do what I think is right, do what I think is good, only to be told that it’s not, that I am wrong? Every fucking time I try and learn from an experience I am told something different. I was mean to Virgil so I try to make it up by being nice to Deceit. And do you know how that goes? I end up being manipulated and in the wrong. So I learn. And now I am once again wrong. So wrong. And I don’t know where I went wrong. I tried being everything you wanted, but I always end up being wrong.  
“And no one sees the tears, no one notices the sadness, no one knows the pain, but you all see my mistakes. So I am done. I am done with being the nice guy, done with feeling so pathetic and sad and empty. I am done with trying to be everything you want me to be, tired of having all my ideas criticised and looked over, tired of having to sacrifice everything to be half of what you want of me. Nothing I ever do is good enough, I am not good enough for you. So you will no longer have to deal with ‘Roman’. No more mess, no more drama, no more noise. Sounds nice doesn’t it? Nothing unnecessary getting in your way now.” Roman stood there, taking in the variety of shocked and worried faces. Patton stood out to him the most, tears running down his face. 

“Roman, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you and you know I love you,” Patton said gently, wiping the tears away. 

“Do I though?” Roman asked, sounding more broken than ever. “Patton, you are amazing. I look up to you so much, and for years I have followed in your footsteps, believing you knew the way. And I still believe you do. But you had a choice. And you chose him.” Roman gestured towards Janus. “And do you know how much I suffer to make you happy? I sacrificed the callback to go to the wedding, to make you happy, because when you are happy, Thomas is happy and that is my top priority. But I all I get in return are lies and betrayal. You’ve made your choice, Patton. I have defended you and done everything you wanted, and I was so happy to do that because I was so convinced I was right in doing so. But you didn’t even defend me today. You could’ve done something, you could’ve been on my side, but you chose him over me. He is a liar and cheat and he will build you up just so you can fall down harder, and you chose him over me. What did I do wrong, Patton?”

“Roman-“ Virgil tried to cut in, to try and explain things, but Roman wasn’t finished.

“Oh, don’t even get me started on you.” Roman turned to face Virgil full on, his voice breaking with anger and hurt. “You constantly put me down. I do everything I can to be nice. I try to stop calling you nicknames, I try to stop insulting, I apologise over and over again, and yet you never do the same. I have tried time and time again to be a better person, and yet you put me down over and over again. You insult me, you shoot down all of my ideas, and every time it feels like a slap in the face. And I am doing everything I can think of to make it up to you for all those mean comments I made before you were accepted, but I am trying my best and I never get a kind word back. Nothing I ever do is ever good enough. And I get that not everything is fine and dandy being Anxiety, but I try my best and it never gets me anywhere. And as for you,” Roman began, turning to Logan, whose face was almost impossible to read, “none of my work is ever good enough for you. I am too extra, too passionate for you. My ideas are always terrible and I can never seem to measure up to your impossible standard of creativity. And you think that you are getting ignored. It would be nice to know that you were at least listened to recently. Do you remember where I was when you were giving your neat little explanation when my dear little brother showed up? I was knocked out on the ground. You think you’re being ignored. You have no idea how much you are being heard.”

“And I am just so sick of being told I am wrong, that I am not enough, that I am just no more than just an unnecessary, extra piece of Thomas that no one really wants anyway. You all wanted me to be good? Well look what you have done. Are you happy now? Now that Roman had finally broken, now that I have sacrificed everything for you? Am I finally good enough? You have all run me to the ground. Is this what you wanted of me? Am I finally right? Or am I wrong again? Like I was with the callback, like I was with Janus, like I am with everything I do? All I ever wanted was to be right, to be a hero, to try and be everything you wanted of me. Is this enough? Am I now enough for all of you? Have I sacrificed enough to be right, to be worthy of being myself, or do I need to go further? Because how far do I have to go to prove myself to all of you? All I ever wanted was to be wanted, to be loved…” And with that Roman collapsed onto the ground. 

His body felt limp and broken, but he was conscious. He was so tired and he ached and ached and he felt so empty. He heard his name being cried out as he fell, he saw the sides crowd around him, felt them check if he was okay. He felt strong arms wrap around him, felt his body being picked up gently and being carried against someone’s solid chest. He wanted to fight, to leave, to die, to do anything than stay alive and face another day of this emptiness. But he was too tired to fight, too exhausted to jump out of the arms that felt so comforting to him. He didn’t deserve any of the kindness that they showed him. Because he had to admit, no matter how much they hurt him, they were kind to him. He closed his eyes and just let his body relax into the chest of the side carrying him. He didn’t cry. He was too hurt to cry. A heart can be broken, but it keeps on beating just the same.

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Projecting onto Roman? no...  
> I had a lot of fun writing this.  
> Comments are greatly appreciated!!!


End file.
